Got Yaoi? REVISED
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: What happens when the Gundam Wing pilots find out just *what* everyone's been writing about them? Will Heero lose it? Has Duo already lost it? Would Trowa make a good car mechanic? NOW REVISED!


Author's Note: I started this fic with the intention of making it a thinly-veiled teaser for my first ever *serious* GW story, but it sort of exploded with life of its own. Plus, I see this as a good way to voice my opinions on the massive amounts of yaoi to be found on FF.Net. I have nothing against gay guys, but I believe that the portrayal of the Gundam pilots as homosexual is ruining the bishounen experience for female readers.   
  
Further Note: YES I KNOW THAT MOST YAOI IS WRITTEN BY FEMALES. What I'm trying to say is that it STILL ruins the bishounen experience for girls who AREN'T writing yaoi. My motto: "I don't get the fascination with yaoi. If two cool guys are gay, that means *I* can't be with either of them!"  
  
Disclaimers: All Gundam Wing characters and concepts et al belong to some Japanese company which definitely isn't me, so please don't sue.   
  
Got Yaoi?  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
"YAAAAAAHH!" Duo Maxwell yelled, rocking backwards in his seat. Unable to look at the words printed before him, he scrambled frantically to hit the Back button before his brain exploded.  
  
"Oh god," he whispered, clutching the edge of the table while the server processed. Finally, it returned to the main page, and Duo sighed in relief.  
  
"Hn." he heard Heero Yuy say behind him.  
  
"Yeah, you're right." Duo groaned, checking to make sure his hair hadn't changed color in his fright. "I tell you man, these people are *sick.*"  
  
"What people?" Trowa Barton inquired, having overheard this last comment.  
  
"Fanfiction authors," Duo replied. "I accessed this online story site, and I found a category for fiction about *us.* So I clicked on it-"  
  
"Big mistake," Trowa supplied.   
  
"Yeah. I swear, these people live and die by yaoi. I found this one called 'Happy Days Are Here Again,' and it didn't look too bad, so I read a couple of lines . . ."  
  
"And what happened?" Quatre Winner asked, joining the conversation at this point.  
  
"Well, it stared with an exclamatory statement by yours truly, something along the lines of a yell, and went downhill from there."  
  
"That bad, huh."   
  
Duo shivered. "You said it, pal."  
  
"So what happened?" Trowa asked, slightly intrigued. Pushing Duo out of the way, he clicked on the highlighted story link. "Yes of *course* I'm seventeen," he grumbled as a pop-up box appeared. After that, the story appeared on the screen. It was written in white text on a pink background.  
  
"This is original," Trowa murmured. "But ow- that's *gotta* hurt. Hmmmm." His eyebrows shot up. "Well, somebody been having some strange fantasies."  
  
"Is it bad?" Duo asked, hiding his eyes. "I didn't read past the part about the massaging shower head."  
  
"It's . . ." Trowa struggled for an adjective. "Creative."  
  
"That bad, huh."  
  
"Let me see that." Heero demanded, and leaned over the desk to get a good look at the screen. After a couple seconds of reading, he unceremoniously slammed his elbow into Duo's face.  
  
"Ow, shit!" Duo yelped, falling back. "What'd you do that for?"  
  
"Just to dispell any possible implications," Heero growled. He went back to the story. Then he flinched visibly.  
  
"You just got to paragraph three, huh?" Trowa said, scrolling down. "Ye gods, does nothing stop this author?"  
  
"Something will," a very P.O.ed Heero snarled. "Trowa, track that guy's street address. I'm gonna go get some more bullets."  
  
Quatre, preferring to stay out of yaoi discussions, was nonetheless reading over everybody's shoulder. He turned a pale greenish color. "Different story," he moaned, doubling over. "This one's making me sick."  
  
"YOU GOT IT!" Hastily, Duo clicked back to the main page and called up the 'category' option. "Drama, Humor, Romance-"  
  
"NO WAY!" everybody else yelled.   
  
"OK, no romance. Uhhh . . . Angst, Poetry, Parody, Smut . . . pick your poison, guys."  
  
"Not humor," Wufei said. Everybody jumped. Apparently, he had been listening in the hallway through the whole discussion. "No doubt there'd be all sorts of shit there. 'The Cast of Gundam Wing Sings Opera,' for instance. Or, 'Duo and Treize Get Freudian.'"  
  
Everybody thought about that for five or six seconds. Then: "Oh GROSS!"  
  
"You're twisted, Wufei," Quatre said. "Sick and twisted."  
  
"And your point is . . .?"  
  
"Let's try 'Poetry,'" Trowa suggested, and clicked on the blue hypertext link. A list of songs and poems available to read scrolled across the screen.  
  
"Hmmmm . . ." Duo scanned the list, then shivered. "What the fuck is all this crap? 'A Song to the Night'? 'Duo Mourns His Lost Lover'? Shit, if I'd known there were so many weirdoes out there, I'd've spammed this site long ago."  
  
"Lost lover? *What* lost lover?" Wufei snorted. "Last I heard, you had never done it at all!"  
  
"AND WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?!" Duo roared, jumping up.  
  
Wufei quickly retreated. "Online rumor site . . ."  
  
"What site?!!!!!!"  
  
"Www.gundamyaoi.com."  
  
"What the heck were you doing there?" Quatre inquired.  
  
"Uhhhh . . . nothing."  
  
Everybody rolled their eyes and went back to the story. About two minutes later, Trowa abruptly spoke. "I was *not* Zechs Merquise's sex slave! EVER! Get a life, you perverted sickos!" he yelled at the screen.   
  
Collective sweatdrop.   
  
"You know what?" Quatre suggested, once they had thoroughly nauseated themselves through the reading of Gundam Wing fics. "We oughtta write our *own* Gundam story. Convince all those authors out there that we're not gay."  
  
"How?" Wufei asked, intrigued.  
  
"Simple: get a Fanfiction.Net author identity," Quatre replied. "If the author we control writes well enough, people will start copying the style that the author writes in. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, after all. They'll lift ideas from our writings- including the fact that we are NOT homosexual!"  
  
"Just say 'queer,'" Duo said, rubbing his head. "Scientific words make me want to Deathscythe a couple dozen innocent civilians."  
  
"Not *again*!" Trowa said. "Last time, you did over $50,000 in damages. Luckily, the National Guard thought it was an act of insanity, so they didn't press charges."   
  
"It *was* an act of insanity," Duo replied, grinning maliciously. "Is there a problem?"  
  
"Well, truth be told . . . not really."  
  
"PRIORITIES!" Heero yelled, making one of his rare speeches. "We need an author name. Suggestions?"  
  
"The Shinigami Fan Club," Duo promptly suggested.  
  
"That won't make them think we're smart, that'll make them think we're sick. *Good* suggestions?"  
  
"How 'bout Aitchdeiteikewdubya?" Wufei offered.  
  
"Where'd *that* come from?" Trowa asked.  
  
"The first letters of each of our names, written phonetically," was the prompt reply. "It's obvious, yet untraceable."  
  
"Naaaah . . . bit *too* obvious."  
  
Forty-five minutes later . . .  
  
"OK," Heero announced, squinting at the heavily marked piece of paper in front of him. "So we've worked out the basic plot for our story. It will be Drama/Action-Adventure and has no title as of yet. Synopsis, Duo?"  
  
"Alright," Duo said, standing up to take Heero's place. "This story is set about two or three years into the future, so we're all about twenty. The deal is: everything is peaceful. Treize dead, all the baddies gone, Relena ruling the world, all that fun stuff. The Gundam pilots have pretty much gone their separate ways. Quatre teaches music at a university, Trowa became a car mechanic, Wufei is- surprise surprise- a martial arts instructor, Heero is Relena's bodyguard and fiance, Zechs and Noin are off on Mars doing that terraform-thingy, and yours truly-" he coughed slightly "-has become a stand-up nightclub comedian. The Gundams are rusting in storage, basically. Then, a message comes through on a frequency that only the gundam pilots use, and we must answer the call of duty once more. Cue mayhem.  
  
"At the Gundam storage shed, the scientists give us the lowdown: a small but extremely dangerous group of rebels are intent on overthrowing Relena's rule, and they just might be able to do it. Can't let that happen. They've gathered in a small town called Nasowas- so tiny it isn't even on the map. But again, it's small but powerful- the whole goddamn place is just a front for terrorist activities. Our mission: burn that place to the ground, and burn it good. So we all fire up the ol' Gundams, make several insulting remarks about 'the old days' and aim off-color jokes- concerning ability to complete said mission- at each other.   
  
"Nasowas is a grubby and dirty little stinkhole- something like Zozo in Final Fantasy 3-"  
  
"Six," Heero grunted.  
  
"Whatever. But it's not Zozo- it's worse. The locals try to mug you at every street corner- and they're good enough to actually do it. ANYway, something funny happens: every single Gundam breaks down, blows a fuse, and generally screws up when we get within two miles of the town. All our computers are completely wiped out. Therefore, the intrepid Gundam pilots must go to the town for help- without their Gundams- in pouring rain- at night- in a VERY bad neighborhood. Needless to say, crap happens, and Quatre (sorry pal, we needed a fall guy) ends up with a broken wrist. And *here's* where we set about disproving our 'gay' reputation."  
  
"How?" Wufei asked curiously. "Quatre does not complain about being unable to flap his hand anymore?"  
  
"I'll get you for that," Quatre hissed.  
  
"One word," Duo continued. "And only one word: women."  
  
"Aaaahhhhh," everybody said.  
  
"Cool!" Trowa said. "'hos!"  
  
"NO!" Duo yelled. His violet eyes were starting to get that peculiar insane spark again- the exact same look he always had when they were in the middle of a pitched (and bloody) battle. "NOT hookers, dammit! We are trying to *dispell* our shitty image, not *increase* it!"  
  
Trowa facefaulted.  
  
"And you know the rest," Heero added, shoving Duo out of the way. "We've all been given our assigned chapters to write, and one week to do it. Better get a move on, guys, if Gundam Wing's reputation is to be saved." 


End file.
